Loneliness – That cold in your heart

Day One in SL. Met couple of people. Both befriended me. Happy to see names added to my friends list. Day Two onwards till about Week Three. Things were hunky dory. Made one more friend along the way. The going was good. I felt like I was always part of this place… or, since this was my second time around, had never left.

Then, something changes. One friend goes on a real vacation, which means time away from SL. Which means the conversations I got used to were no longer there. They were not much, but they were most of what I had. Like all good things in life, I valued things most when they were not there. The first day my friend was away, I felt the whole SL world had imploded.

I wondered why. Why this mystic place with its animated avatars, unbelievable sceneries and gloriously laid out landscapes and seascapes suddenly meant so much to me. Why an animated avatar that did strange poses whenever we were standing and having a conversation felt like it had life. Why the silences in our conversations sometimes said more than what we spoke. I pondered. No, I was not emotional or delusional, or in love. I am much too sane and strong for that. Yet, the dilemma still stared me in the face.

I had to get an answer. I went back to the place where I had had most conversation starters with my friend. Gazed around the place that felt emptier than it was. I breathed in, closed my eyes and realized… it was the cold in my heart. The cold that did not let me bake in the warmth of the Sun, that sucked at every other emotion and emanated only sadness, that turned every bright colour around me a hue of Grey, that made me think a temporary blip was eternity, that led me to believe that what I knew was wrong and what I sought, was right. Idiot. I needed to make amends. Fix myself.

I breathed in heavy again, held it, closed my eyes. It felt good, I felt the air vibrate, the ocean waves lash, heard the music play and felt the wind tingle my skin. I breathed out, opened my eyes, saw the amazing colours around me, jumped into the water for a swim, felt great. I was now feeling the right things. I was smiling, happy and that momentary existence of coldness was now past me. I loved it.

The next day, I talked and laughed normally, even went into a fit of over the top discussions with another friend. A day later, I was ready to make new friends. SL looked more welcoming than ever and I was more than ready to take on the magic, once more.

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